A phone call . . . and I feel like my heart is exploding.
This was not “one of those things.” This was not “nature’s way.” My blood test from last week shows that I have not one, but two copies (one each of two different strains) of a genetic blood clotting mutation. My body likely killed my baby. The womb that was supposed to protect and care for Avelyn became a death trap.
I’m not sure there is any comfort for this news. The proof is there—this was preventable.
When I had the confirmation ultrasound, the tech and doctor commented on a clot behind the placenta. They didn’t say much, and I didn’t know much. As I was reading materials later, I thought it must have meant that the placenta had torn and they just didn’t know if it was before or after Avelyn died. I now realize that this wasn’t a tear in the placenta, but a clot caused by these mutations.
I suppose the only piece of good news is that my baby was likely perfect. I am the one who is marred.
Author’s note: This is the sixteenth post in a series on pregnancy loss/miscarriage. Read the first post, “First ultrasound,” here.